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You have to learn how to stop before you can start going fast. Crashing and burning hurts much more when you can't operate the breaks at high speeds. The wind doesn't feel as powerful when you're going slow but sometimes thats not a bad thing.
They say it isn't that you've fallen that matters, it is whether or not you get up. I disagree. Sometimes the fall is exactly what matters most. The blood, the bruise, the pain- it all does something to you, changes you and while you're down, tasting the tears, it is the perfect opportunity to look back, to look ahead, to look to now, becaues how often do we really take time to do that unless we're hurt?
If you're not ready to go home, at least drive by, see the place, feel it. The little room you got banished to after your sibling stole yours two days after you moved away just might have something you need, something you don't even know you need because you've done without it for so long but you'll never know unless you go back and dig through your old stuff. Maybe you'll find your heart buried in piles of junk you used to think were treasures. It might not be the heart you have now. It might be the heart that used to be yours, your old hopes and dreams and prayers and wishes but that heart, the old you, it might be what you're missing. What if your family has lessons to teach you that could make all the difference in the world? Your mom might be desperate to tell you things she always thought she'd have more time to say, like that tomatoes get mealy if you put them in the fridge so leave them on the counter, or maybe she has something else for you, something real.
Out of everything you learned this year, was knowing that you are lost the most important thing- because if so, let yourself be found. Stop looking for something out there and find it in yourself, in whatever it is you believe.
When you were little and you saw the first star at night and thought to yourself, "Starlight, star bright, first star I see tonight...," what did you wish for? Remember. Have you let it come true? Or if you went outside tonight would you still wish for the same special thing? While you're out there, if you go, listen to the night breathe because it does; it does breathe. In different places it's breaths sound different but it breathes nonetheless. In the city there is a bus sighing to a stop and street lights buzzing with electricity. Other places there are frogs groaning and leaves blowing kisses on the breeze. Either way it's worth listening because chances are you won't be in either place forever, so soak it up and let it become a part of that place in your mind where things get absorbed without you even knowing it until one day you hear that bus or those frogs again and you think, "There was a time..."
I tell you all of this, because I need to hear it.
:end sidenote



late night
can't sleep
no one to talk to
nothing to say
things cross my mind
that never have before
new possibilities
aren't always good
who would have thought?
done everything else
whats one more to do?
i told you
i told you so
she and i?
we're not so alike
we're not so different
look at me


Seduction Style + Keys to the Heart=

Your Seduction Style: Ideal Lover

You seduce people by tapping into their dreams and desires.
And because of this sensitivity, you can be the ideal lover for anyone you seek.
You are a shapeshifter - bringing romance, adventure, spirituality to relationships.
It all depends on who your with, and what their vision of a perfect relationship is.

The Keys to Your Heart
You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.
You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.
Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.
You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.
In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

Taking online quizzes....this is what I am doing instead of finishing my last paper for Dr. Briel. Think he would approve?
I am also listening to the soundtrack from The Pianist which (I'm sad to admit) reminds me that I haven't played the "penis game" in a really long time. For your sake, I hope you know what that is.
:end sidenote


T-minus 30 minutes

So my hell week (and by week I mean two days) really officially begins in half an hour with my first final...dun dun dun...corrections!
Stopped by Dr. Thompson's office this morning to tell him that I was granted the scholarship for which he nominated me. Such a funny man...
Nate sent me a song last night that made my heart catch a lil bit, kinda like velcro. David Barnes, "On a Night Like this" I had it on repeat for a while but then it got to be too much and I had to stop. I love it when other people give me music or make me a mix because it seems like I'm the one who is always doing that so its nice to have the tables turned.
Cat made pierogies (sp?) for lunch today. Mmm...sat and ate them with her and Matt and Jen and Thomas. I feel like every time I do something like that I think to myself, "Wow, this is probably the last time this will happen...ever." Sad and at the same time not. Hard to explain. I'm sure sometime within the next week I'll have a "things I'm going to miss about Common Ground" and another one called "things I'm not going to miss about Common Ground."
Alright, time for some last minute cramming, even though John Brinkhaus claims it is impossible to fail a corrections test. Lets hope he's right!
:end sidenote


So close...

yet still, so far...
3 papers and 2 tests to go
I've been told that "it'll finish itself soon enough." Not sure exactly how thats gonna work but I trust Smokey.
Mom came over today and we went grocery shopping so I'll have enough food to get me through these last few days. I made out like a banshee and got some amazing salads, beef tenderloin, mashed potatoes, bread, cheese, sugar snap peas, milk, pineapple-orange juice, yogurt...
Collette and I went on a Rosedale run to celebrate the last day of classes. I (FINALLY) replaced my Ralph Lauren Romance perfume that got broken back in, oh, January? Its good to smell like me again.
Last night I was so worried about sleeping through my test this morning that I never really solidly slept and I think I woke up every 20 minutes. During my cat nap this morning I was dreaming that I woke up at 11:47, checked my email, and got an IM from Jeremy Irlbeck when I was actually awakened by Jen. It was only 11:20 and my computer wasn't even on. The dream was so real I could have sworn it had actually happened...bizarre.
Man, all that talk of food has gotten me even more hungry than I was when I started this post.
Hmm...I feel like I should have something more substantial to say but...?
I'm back on a Matt Nathanson kick these days. Music and I have been spending a lot of time together because I'm putting together "goodbye mixes" for both Andy and Jen. Jen's is going to be amazing (since she never reads this I can talk about it). See, I always have music playing--even when I'm not in the room. Since she is leaving for Seattle soon I'm compiling a two volume set of all the music I have been playing on a regular basis this year so when she misses me she can just put on the CD and feel like I'm in the room right next to her...awwwe. This of course hinges on the assumption that she is actually going to miss me so we'll see :)
FOOD time is now.
:end sidenote


By Next Tuesday

...I will be done. Unless I die before then, of course. Between right now and midnight on May 17th I will have read 2-3 books, done 6 papers, taken 4 tests, and attended 3 dinner functions, 1 picnic, and 2 work inservices. Sleep and I have parted ways for the next week. Sam and I have decided, in an effort to avoid our responsibilities, to run away and become super heros. He is going to teleport to crime scenes and fight criminals while I fly there and make witty comments. Not sure how making witty comments makes me a superhero...but our archnemesis is going to be (dun dun dun, cue evil muxic)
Universal Scummy Tyrant, or UST for short. Let me know if you want in on bringing down the bad guy.
So far today I have changed three times and its looking like it might happen again. I just can't stay comfortable in any of my clothes for very long. Guess its one of those days that I wish The Fall had never happened and we could all still run around naked without shame. (And what is the definition of shame? C'mon...Woman and Man kicks in right here....) You know, now that I think about it, I had difficulty staying in one outfit yesterday too. Hmm, maybe its in the air? or the moon? Hard to say...
This weekend was so relaxing that I'm having a hard time snapping back into having a busy schedule. I know I should have done more work than I did while I could but I needed to just chill after the drama of the weekend before.
Still trying to figure out what I'm going to do this summer. Padelford is all I've got right now but I applied for a marketing internship...random I know...and have a few other things on the back burner so we shall see.
Thunderstorms all week...what a great way to end the school year.
By next Tuesday...I just have to keep telling myself that...
By next Tuesday...
:end sidenote


what to say

So I feel like I should blog but I really don't know what to say. I'm not entirely ok, although I will be, and I'm more not ok with not being ok than I am not ok in the first place...if that makes sense to anyone who doesn't live in my head I'll be amazed. There is a breakfast downstairs right now and you know, I'm really looking forward to moving home and having my own space. That might be selfish of me but its true. This weekend I lost one thing and gained another but my head is still spinning a bit trying to make the adjustment. The fact that its snowing in May doesn't help so much. These next two weeks are going to be so busy that I am not going to even have time to think. Not sure if thats a good or a bad thing yet. My parents want to take me to get food but I'm not sure that I can walk. My foot has five bruises on it that are definately from being stepped on by someone else's heels. Its swollen and like that I am sure is not a good thing.
soundtrack of the day: dana glover, thinking it over
:end sidenote
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