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Work in Progress

First first first draft, for real...this is going to be one of those times where I type and hit "Publish Post" as fast as I can before I change my mind about putting it up....


Stand in front of fate
and it will knock you down.
Shattered glass fills the ground,
come closer and see it glint.
Not sharp shards-
soft snow and slippery ice.
For Sale signs litter the walls…
Keep singing along
even if you forgot to hit play.
Sun hangs from the ceiling,
Bare ankles catch the cold.
Sky glows tapping and touching
the foreign city next door.
Cotton fills cracks
that gape like open wounds.
Can’t catch blood that doesn’t bleed.
Left handed kisses
from a right handed girl
means good luck for a while.
Darkened windows show flames on bricks.
Out of my element,
Get surrounded by chords
that fall onto ears,
catching dark hair.
Brakes hit, heart stops—
“You’ll be ok.”

:end sidenote


good stuff

Saturday morning I woke up to a newly whitened world. As I opened my bedroom door my brother called up the stairs to me using my old nickname, "oooWhooo...oooWhooooo." He was sitting in the living room in one of our new spining, rocking chairs and told me to take the other one. We just sat there watching it snow in our pajamas for I don't know how long. It was perfect. He's probably reading this right now rolling his eyes at me being all mushy gushy but he knows exactly what I'm talking about. Now that I don't live at home anymore we don't do that as often anymore, just sit together, so when we do it means a lot.

In cleaning my room I found a card from the Red Cross thanking me for being an aphoresis blood donor. I hate donating blood. Its a painful procedure and an uncomfortable experience for me every time I go because my body mass and poor circulation cause complications. Anyway, it makes me appriciate getting their somewhat cheesy little notes. "A real hero is the one who walks in when the others walk by. Thank you." Nice, somewhat cheesy, but still, I like it.

I found an ad in a magazine for a perfume and I thought it had some decent advice:
"today lets fall in love with the
woman in the mirror, the one
you see everyday but seldom
truly look at, the one who gives
more than she ever takes.
today lets take nothing,
not this day, not this moment,
not this chance, not even
ourselves, for granted.

lets first love who we are."

:end sidenote



Sometimes you've just gotta mix it up a little bit.

I cleaned my room. Its funny because it bothers me just as much when people comment on it when it is organized as when it is messy. Just one of those things I guess...It is really clean in here though, not gonna lie. I picked up, sorted, put away, swept and even wiped down the floor. After finishing I thought to myself, "This floor is so clean I could eat on it." So I did.

I took down the canOpy. I know, I was pretty monumental but don't worry, I don't think it will be permanent. Why did I do it, you might ask? I'm really not sure. It might have been a combination of the canOpy needing to hibernate for a bit now that there is snow and that the room seems much less confined without it. Who knows.

I dyed my hair so recently that I can't really change that and I like it long so I won't be cutting it off although that worked beautifully for Elizabeth. She looks great without that 10.5 inches...

Kala has suggested a few other changes but those aren't as public so I'll just say we're working on them for now...
:end sidenote


Best Ever

My mom and I just decided over a breakfast of leftovers that this was the best Thanksgiving ever. About half family and half friends, the mix of people this year was fun, energetic and a treat to have around. Dad cooked a 20.8 lb turkey on the grill, which we realized is more than two times the weight of my three day old cousin Kyle. Mom almost forgot to make the mashed potatoes but remembered in the nick of time. Several new people were initiated into the family by eating our famous homemade, unbelievably spicy Italian sausage. I almost started a small feud between Kevin and his wife Sharla when I mistakenly gave Sharla the credit for the sweet potatoes. Even though Great Aunt Marguerite and Great Uncle Victor are not longer with us we still bought the pies from Baker's Square like they always did. Julita came this year with her amazing homemade cranberry dish. Aunt Molly brought "Aunt Molly's Potatoes," what else would she bring? She and Uncle Jon were wearing matching outfits but swear they didn't plan it. I guess thats just what happens when you're with the same person from the age of 12 until you're over 50 years old. Steve Villa brought wine, prayer and piano music. Marty brought the biggest appetite of the evening. Jonnie brought that baby and Haley but had to leave early when Kyle woke up and he realized he had forgotten the bottle. Despite that slight omission we were all quite impressed with his skills as a new dad.
Two of my favorite moments from the whole evening involved my beautiful cousins Hannah and Maddie. With Maddie it was that I discovered an ally in my olive snitching. It worked out perfectly because at 4 years old she isn't quite tall enough to reach the platter at the back of the buffet and at 19 years old I feel slightly silly sneaking around stealing olives so we solved the matter and did it together. At the dinner table someone made a comment about how I used to put olives on my fingers and eat them that way. When the girls begged me to do it again I had no choice but to do it and then give Maddie olive fingers too.
Later I was sitting in one my parents new rocking spinning comfy chairs in the living room with Hannah on my lap. She got up to go find something, turned around about two steps away from me and said, "Save my spot!" I was in the middle of telling her I didn't think that would be a problem when Marty yelled from accross the dining and living room, "Shoot, I was just on my way over to take it from her." Maybe you had to be there but it was still my favorite moment.
John showed up in his paramedic uniform ready to eat almost as much turkey as his son had managed to finish off. His arrival spurred a good hour of "guy talk" about boats, planes, tanks and wars.
Trevor Tarsa came over at the tail end of the party just in time for pie, same as he has done since we were in high school. I think no matter how many years in a row he comes over someone will still ask if he is my boyfriend and if not, then why?
If you're reading this far I'm suprised. You made it through all of those family stories that probably mean nothing to you because you don't know anyone but they mean a lot to me.
See, in short, Thanksgiving was the perfect mix of tradition and the unpredictable...the best ever.
:end sidenote


They took our water

I don't know where they took it but we don't have any in our house. Somehow the notice that our water was going to be turned off today from 7:30am-3:30pm didn't show up in the house until late last night. It was too late to take a shower in preparation of not being able to take one today so its one of those days where you put on some extra deoderant, two sprays of perfume instead of one and hope for the best. Actually, not showering isn't really a problem at all. Showering every day is overrated anyway. Plus, they say that not washing your hair every day is good for it. Wow, sometimes I read what I've written and think "She's a snob" except that she is me and...yea. Back to the lack of water, I up at 7:00 this morning to go to the bathroom because I knew it would be awful to wake up later, crawl out of bed and have to get dressed go to the closest academic building just to use its bathroom. Last night I filled up a glass of water so I can at least brush my teeth. Jen is quite worried that we're all going to freeze to death because our heater can't work without water. I told her I think we could manage for two more hours.
The only thing that is going to get me through English today is that I get to go see the baby, Kyle Joseph, as soon as its over. Good thing websites like exist because Jane Austen is lost somewhere under the piles of clothes on my floor and I was supposed to read her for class today....

An....bring it on. Here I come.
:end sidenote


Glorified List

...not enough time to do much more than that...this philosophy test is going to slaughter me no matter how much time I spend on it. bah.

Thursday...i had my first meal in 3 weeks! nate did the honors and went with me to subway, which is funny because i don't really even like subway that much but oh well... it tasted wonderful anyway.

Friday...steven kellog and the sixers (whose bassist was so much like Adam Brody from the OC it was almost creepy) opened for Matt Nathanson (who i promptly fell in love with, of course. Seriously one of the, if not the, best concert I've been to. I bought a cd and a t-shirt and love them both almost as much as the man himself.
...came back to CG where a big pre-thanksgiving dinner was going on with 20something people. I ate so fast that I was literally in pain...there was turkey, ham, multiple kinds of potatoes and yams, really good olives (random, i know), homemade rolls, and tons of desserts like pies and cake and icecream and...mmm. it was good.

Saturday...I pretty much just kept eating. had breakfast with my dad at the st. clair broiler, went back to bed, ate a croissant at bread and chocolate with anna medina, went to j-crew...mmm, j-crew, then to the mall with andy which was one of the worst ideas ever. that place was crazy busy, it was awful. i love the mall and i don't mind crowds and i was miserable...anyway, bounced from place to place all evening and hung out with random different people

Sunday...what did i do sunday? i can't even remember...i pretty much just putzed around here i think and then i went to the library for like 3 hours, then served at mass, had a community dinner here (seeing the theme of eating) where noah made rigatoni, garlic bread, salad and homemade chocolate chip cookies. back to the library and to bed.

Monday...technically not over yet but i went to class, took a nap, REIGSTERED...i hate registering but am excited about all (five) of my classes for next semester. went to class again, back to the library (we're at the beginning of what is going to be a very long love affair, me and the library...oh yea.), came home and cooked my favorite meal in the entire world...everyone was drooling. (food, again). i made linguine in a white wine, garlic sauce with mushrooms, tomatoes and shrimp. MMM. then i got the big news that i have a new baby cousin!
Kyle Joseph Conney 8lbs 8oz 4pm, November 22
how exciting is that? elyse is due today too but i haven't heard anything from her so we'll see!

now i'm off again...guess where i'm going? yessssss. to the library. did i mention dr. kemp called my cell phone? booya. yea, not sure thats really something to booya about but i'm just trying to cope the best i can.
:end sidenote


Who? What? Where? When? Why?

The strangest thing happened to me this morning...there was an image in my head, a memory, that I could not for the life of me place. It was like looking at a scene through a telescope, not a real telescope but the kind I used to make for myself as a kid out of empty cardboard toilet paper rolls. All I could see in my head was the profile of the guy I had been talking to and all I could remember was that I was so distracted by the pattern of hair on his jaw that I had no idea what he was saying. I couldn't recall the rest of his face, where we were when it happened, what his voice sounded like, when it had happened...nothing. It was just a completely disjointed piece of a memory that I couldn't place. That has never happened to me...why did it stick in my head so vividly? Why did it come back so randomly? After about 6 hours of going through my mind thinking of every guy I've talked to in the past few days and it that possibly could have been him I think I placed it but its still hard for me to connect the two memories...the mind is a strange thing.

Here's a few quotes to round out this random post...two of them have shaped my past few days and two of them just make me giggle. I'll leave it up to you to try to determine which is which....

"i went streaking on saturday night in nothing by pearl earrings, a pearl
necklace, and my running shoes. it was hott. just thought that you might
enjoy that tidbit about wearing pearls. have fun wearing pearls today!"
-former swell worker of the week (name withheld for his/her protection)

" As a former embryo myself, I feel qualified to speak on these issues."
- Fr. Tad on Embryonic stem cell research and abortion

"'my dear,' said the man, 'you cannot control the weather. the more bright and sunny days there are,
the closer you are to cold and dreary ones. it hurts when you think you are
missing the things that have keep you going, but it isnt your fault
princess. the weather has given you many beautiful things as well as the
garden and the flowers that you love so much. the sky will always be there
in beauty for you to observe. it surely feels the same way about you,
princess. you are loved.'"
-ben's waking up story

"For a dog to have two legs is to be missing something. For a humnan to have two legs is to be having everything it should."
-Dr. Kemp

:end sidenote

pineapple, fresh flowers and a full tank

Last semester when people found out I was taking a theatre class they said, "Oh, Caley, thats perfect for you. You'll be right at home in the drama deparment." Maybe they were right. What do you do when you get so good at acting that people can't even tell you're doing it? Or even better, when even you can't tell anymore. Have you ever lost "backstage (not gotten lost backstage, lost backstage itself)? Gone from one venue to the next without being able to find the dark behind the curtains, that place to hide from the lights strung up on the catwalk above up? Smile pretty and bat your eyes... Thats what I always say. Not only that, its what I always do. Practice what you preach right?....but what if sometimes the smile just hides a grimace and the batting just keeps the tears back? No one seems to be able to tell the difference anyway so does it really matter? Well, maybe not no one but there are so few exceptions...Why? I don't get it. I didn't even do that well in theatre class, you know. My one actual acting experience was for the final project and it was awful. I did better climbing down the river cliffs to dig around for broken glass and rusted metal to use as props than I did standing on stage performing. Maybe there's something to that...
I went home-home tonight. Then I came back home here. Which is home? Home is where the heart is the heart? What do you do when you don't know? Left of the mediasternum...thoracic cavity...blah blah blah...I know all of that but really...
They wouldn't give me anything with caffeine in it at the coffee shop tonight, if thats any indication of anything. Of course, "they" refers to Bekah, Jason and Paul who all (should) know me well enough to know when I should and shouldn't be given caffeine. On top of that, I wore black sweatpants with brown sandals tonight. also had on the glasses I found on a Padelford boat this summer that actually have "Kate Spade" printed on one of the lenses. They aren't perscription, I don't think, but I was willing to try them out anyway just in case they somehow made me see clearer despite that fact.
Its time for bed.
I like this song. Its...true, I guess is the right word.
"Holy Water"
Somewhere there's a stolen halo.
I used to watch her wear it well.
Everything would shine wherever she would go,
But looking at her now, you'd never tell.

Someone ran away with her innocence,
A memory she can't get out of her head.
And I can only imagine what she's feeling when she's praying,
Kneeling at the edge of her bed.
And she says: "Take me away", and "Take, me Father."
"Surround me, now, and hold, hold, hold me like holy water:
Holy water.
She wants someone to call her "Angel";
Someone to put the light back in her eyes.
She's looking through the faces, and unfamiliar places.
She needs someone to hear her when she crys:
And she says: "Take me away", and "Take me, Father."
"Surround me, now, and hold, hold, hold me like holy water.
She just needs a little help,
To wash away the pain she's felt.
She wants to feel the healing hands,
Of someone who understands.
And she says: "Take me away", and "Take me, Father."
"Surround me, now, and hold, hold, hold me.

She says: "Take me away", and "Take me, Father."
"Surround me, now, and hold, hold, hold me like holy water:
"Like Holy water."

i've had a hard time deciding whether or not to actually publish this post but if you're reading it right now i guess i either decided not enough people go to this site for it to really matter if it went up or not or i came to the conclusion sometimes you've just gotta get things out there, no matter how muddled they are. if you don't know what to do with all of this don't worry, neither do i. as a friend always says, just embrace it. thats all you can do. all i can anyway.
:end sidenote


Poopy Car

Its amazing how much little things can make a difference...I know that sounds trite. Sometimes it seems like I can do nothing to help those who matter most to me. When my friends turn to me for help I want to do just that, help them, but it doesn't always work that way. Anyway, in the middle of feeling fairly helpless I noticed Megan's away message that said, "Monday morning chats with Caley make me happy." We only talked for 8 minutes and I hadn't even started the conversation out of some selfless desire to be there for her, rather, I just wanted to talk to my best friend. So. There you go. 8 minutes. Saying "good morning." Apparently thats all it takes.

Home has become more and more appealing lately. I don't know why that is. I'm sure at some point during the upcoming breaks I'll be so sick of it I'll want to scream but it seems like lately all I want to do is go there.

My plan for an alliteration week just might fail miserably which is a shame because I really wanted some pie, among other things.

Kala is going to marry Keri Noble. I'm not going to lie, I'm a little jealous. The concert Friday was more than the highlight of the eclipsed everything else I did. I'm still debating whether or not I should go to the Matt Nathanson concert Friday night or opt to go to the Common Ground Crew Thanksgiving dinner. Since it will be the second day in three weeks that I'll be able to eat the food option is mighty tempting.

Maybe I'll go put on some pearls. For most of you, it will make no sense as to why that will make me happy but my mom would understand. When I talked to her a few minutes ago she actually suggested I wear my pink boots but I feel like pearls would do the trick. We'll see!

Oh, by the way, the title of this blog has nothing to do with the blog itself. I do in fact have a car that is covered in bird poop, therefore it is a poopy car. I just wanted to use that title. Don't question me, just embrace it.
:end sidenote


Oh the English language

So Tiff and I were bonding yesterday when Tiff started telling me about how she likes adding "-iness" to the end of words to make up words that don't really exist. While giving me examples she said, "You know, like jelloiness, happine- oh, well, maybe not happiness..." This coming from an English major. I love it.
Continuing in that vein, Kala and I are working on a new language or not so much really a new language as variations on the English language. So far we have canUpy, shugARy, and nopoe (like canoe or markoe as Mykala said). Firiend also counts but let me know if you have any suggestions for additions. Maybe I should include the most recent blunders of my professors like "clup" (aka club, gotta love Radka) and improper usage of "with" (ie. "Help yourself with a piece of pizza." -Dr. Young-Ok An).

Keri Noble tonight! Be still my heart. I'm quite excited. Someone asked me if she was playing in Scooters. Keri Noble in Scooters? Can you even imagine it? Not so much.

Another recent topic of conversation has been the wink. When is it appropriate and when is it not? What kind of impression does a girl get when a guy winks at her during a conversation? Is it too intimate for every day use? Does it give the wrong idea sometimes? I personally am not opposed to the wink and find it charming. Again, let me know...

Dr. Thompson had us all laughing hysterically today when he slipped up reading a Rupert Brooke poem and said "farts" instead of "hearts." He didn't even know he said it. He was so confused and kept asking "What? What?" The rest of us were laughing too hard to respond but Anne, our freshman, finally pointed and sputtered out at him, "You said FARTS!" Thompson tried to hold it in but couldn't help laughing at himself. Never missing a teaching opportunity he launched into a speech...
"All you snooty types thinking your intelligence distinguishes you from other animals; its your ability to yuck it up when your professor says farts. Then there's risibility- your ability to double over when someone actually lets one slip. You would like to think you have more dignity than that but you can hardly control yourself. You're laughing so hard you're going to hurt yourself."

Leaving the doctor's office this afternoon Bekah and I made fools of ourselves. First she tripped over a carpet and almost face planted in the foyer of the building and then as we were still laughing about that, I ran into the side of the door with the hinges and couldn't figure out why it wouldn't open. We then skipped through the parking lot saying, "Look at me, I'm in college." "No look at me, I'm graduating from college...even better, I'm a physics major!" "I have a double major and a minor!" Then Bek dropped a pen in the middle of the lot. It was great.

Ok, concert time but first I have a correction from the last post: It is The Handmaid's Tale, not Handmaiden's Tale by Margaret Read it.
:end sidenote



...or not.
I haven't updated in forever, since the day before my surgery in fact, because I knew anything I wrote would be incredibly sad and pathetic and who wants to read about that?
As it is, things still kind of suck. I'm back on a no solid food diet because of yet more complications from getting my wisdom teeth removed. There isn't much I can eat because really, no-chewing foods are fairly limited. On the plus side Liz, in her sympathy for my condition, actually let me steal some of her cookie dough...probably a first in Liz's life.
I read Margaret Atwood's The Handmaiden's Tale in a solid 24 hours. It was wonderful, even if it did give me strange nightmares when combined with codine. The only good thing about that part of the ordeal was the fact that my dear friend Donny told me stories in the middle of the night to calm me down and put me back to sleep. That kid can babble about the most random things like nobody else I know. Maybe someday I'll tell the story of the Sleep Deprivators, also known as S. Deps., or the three amigos- Banana, Grape and Starfruit...but just maybe.
One of my new favorite things isn't actually new at all but quite old. It is a pin I got from my grandma Doris that says "Rockefeller for President" with a lovely headshot of the man himself. Its great. Too bad I forgot to wear it during the campaign.
Lettie Bumpkins and I went shopping yesterday which was fun except that everytime I go shopping with her she never buys anything but I always manage to make quite a few purchases. Jeans, a necklace, a tank top, sweater, shirt and pin...all on sale but the jeans. I think I have a problem, its like a disease this shopping buisness.
The Impala did a commendable job pretending to be an ambulance the other day but good news is that Nate's ankle is not broken.
Bekah-boo's mamma is in town and when I was telling someone that it came out as "Bekah's Mamma-boo is in town." We'll see if I accidentally slip and actually call the woman that to her face tomorrow during coffee.
Cookie night on south tonight...I just might make an appearance. We'll just have to wait and see. I might as well since five different groups are meeting here tonight and have officially banished myself to my bedroom. The life of a Common Ground Girl...
:end sidenote
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